South Sound Healers Network

What is Emotional Coaching?
by Jennifer LeMay, M.A., C.Ht.

Emotional coaching consists of empathically naming feelings. Research shows that children who can understand and cope with emotions do better in school, form stronger relationships, have fewer behavioral problems and generally lead happier, healthier and less stressful lives. Emotional coaching does not guarantee that a child will be happy. In fact, we do not want to demand happiness. We want to allow the full range of emotional experience, including disappointment, frustration and other "negative" but fully human responses to life. Telling a child not to feel something, only causes the feelings to go "underground," deeper into the subconscious where it can cause physical or mental harm. By accepting a feeling, the feeling can be released. All feelings are acceptable but not all behavior is acceptable.

The Five Steps of Emotional Coaching:
Step 1 - Emotional Awareness

Step 2 - Recognizing Emotions as an Opportunity for Intimacy and Teaching

Step 3 - Listening Empathetically and Validating the Child's Feelings

Step 4 – Labeling Emotions

Step 5 - Setting Limits While Helping the Child Problem-Solve

Parents and caregivers can use a child's inappropriate outburst as an opportunity for teaching by trying the five steps. For example, a parent might say "Your sister took your crayons without asking and that made you mad. I would be angry too. But, it is not okay for you to rip up her coloring book. Now, can you think of a different thing to do?"

How does this help? Setting limits and problem solving in this way supports children's overall emotional development in several ways. First, the child's feelings are valued as you show that they matter to you. You also can provide and model empathy by showing that you’ve had those feelings too. Through setting limits and teaching problem solving strategies, you are giving children the skills and strategies they need to cope successfully with the big and wonderful world of human feelings.

For more information, check out the book, The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by University of Washington's Dr. John Gottman or on the web at: www.talaris.org.

Jennifer LeMay, M.A., C.Ht. is a mother and child and family therapist in Tacoma, WA. She can be reached at 253-970-3182 or www.inspiritcounseling.org. Jennifer is also the founder of the South Sound Healers Network, www.southsoundhealers.com.